When I was a little girl, I loved playing with dolls; taking care of them, changing their clothes, brushing their hair. I seemed to have a strong, innate desire to nurture and care for others. I started babysitting for other's children when I was pretty young myself. I always just wanted to be a mother. Now that I am a thirty-something mother of four children, I've obviously learned that the vision I had in my mind as a young girl, was not a vision of reality. Being responsible for actual living, breathing, crying, laughing kids is not quite the same as playing with dolls.

My intent in writing this post is not to state the obvious, though. I've been mulling something over in my mind for quite some time and thought it might be therapeutic for me to put some of my thoughts and feelings into something concrete, and see what feedback I receive from all the other mothers out there.

Although a portion of my childhood memories are of good times, feeling loved, mostly, and going through what I would now consider to be the normal stuff of childhood, there were certain instances that in retrospect were the most poignant and prophetic moments. One of those moments being when I was in my mid-teens. I can't remember the exact circumstances, I just remember my mother saying to me "You must do something for yourself with your life. Being a mother will not fulfill you as a person. It's heartbreaking, hard and unsatisfying work. Only a career will fulfill you."

Now, putting aside what that made me feel at the time in terms of my relationship with her (I mean, what parent tells their child that their investment in them has been completely worthless?), I felt even more determined later in my life to prove her wrong. I knew in my heart that there was no way that could be true. A great author once said: "Say what you mean and act how you feel, because those who matter don't mind, and those who mind don't matter." Aahh, the insights of the awesome Dr. Seuss! So here I am, more than 15 years after those words spoken by my own mother burned in my ears, contemplating motherhood as a profession!

As I sit here, listening to my little boy giggle while playing with the dog, I wonder if I'm doing all that I can to create for him a memory and a relationship that will bring him joy and stability later in his life. Most of the time I feel like I don't say the right things at the right times, I don't always recognize those perfect "teaching moments" that I always hear other mothers speak about. In fact, I usually feel so mentally drained and emotionally wiped out, that I just have to hope that I'm not doing or saying anything that will be to my child's detriment. But the fact that I love my kids so much gives me the motivation to keep going day to day, being as strong as I possibly can be, doing the best that I can, giving all that I can give, and praying that it will be enough, without actually being too much!

I know one thing for certain, though, and that is that my mother was wrong, at least for me. I can only speak for myself in saying that being a mother to four of the most beautiful and precious children is fulfilling, satisfying work. It may be thankless, unending, draining, and just plain hard, but that to me is what makes it so satisfying. In the end, if I can see my kids through to their adulthood, and see that they feel loved by me and their father more than they can fathom, then I've succeeded. I may not do anything else right by them, but they will hopefully at least know that!

I know of so many other women, mothers, that show me everyday with their example that they are striving for the same thing. I'm curious, though, to know how others of you gauge your success in this arena. Sometimes the hardest moments for me are when my kids are fighting with each other, or they say or do something that I can't even believe. Did I teach them this or that? Where did I go wrong? There are times that I have said to my husband that I feel like I'm failing as a parent, if for example, I'm having one of those days (or weeks) when it seems like all the kids can do is misbehave, fight, argue, mope, whine, etc. He always says the same thing when I feel like that - "You're here with them, everyday. You take care of their every need. You're being a good mom. Don't expect perfection." Lucky for me I have such a great and supportive husband.

I just want to tell all you other moms whose blogs I read and enjoy, thanks for posting about your families, be it what you perceive as successes or not. I am so inspired and touched when I read about how righteous your desires are, and how you survive those tougher times. It's always nice to know that I'm not alone.